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"Actually, the first time I ever ate at Taco Bell was with (ex-boyfriend). He introduced me to marijuana, and Taco Bell. Two great tastes that taste great together."

— I was having a discussion with my hubby about the first time we ever ate at Taco Bell

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I love this video for a number of reasons. First of all, I love this song. Second, I love imagining Mariah’s reaction when she watched this video (you know she watched this video), waiting for Demi to fuck up that high note, and then Demi fucking SLAYS it. Third, I like knowing that Demi is actually a killer vocalist, but the songs that her handlers pick for her to record are just atrocious.

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Help

Google says the best thing to do is to completely cut off any access to water that they might have which seems unattainable and unrealistic. They say throw away your fruit. Fine. I will throw away my beautiful plums that are just now almost ripe. I will throw away all my sugar and flour and bleach every imaginable surface but I lived in Joe’s Apartment in DC and I don’t know if I’m overreacting because I have PTSD from that or if this is actually the beginning of a neverending nightmare. Bug bombs are out of the question. Help. Jesus. Help.

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Anonymous said: Damn you hate the world today

I actually really do. I saw a cockroach in one of my cabinets today and my world is literally falling apart. You don’t understand. I lived in the seventh circle of cockroach hell in DC, then I lived in centipede city when I first moved here, and my current apartment which I mostly love and all I want is to be happy here is full of spiders but I’m actually fine with them? They are mostly on the outside of the house and they eat other bugs and I’m actually completely fine with spiders but I just… I want to bawl my eyes out and burn down my house and salt the earth. My mental state is deteriorating. I feel like if I saw one it means the inside of my walls are teeming with thousands of enormous shit-covered cockroaches and I fucking I just can’t, I can’t. It walked on my tea. I can’t even drink my tea. I’m losing my damn mind.

Anyway I know you didn’t actually send this message out of concern but my utter and complete breakdown over this cockroach is manifesting itself as contempt for the world around me which seems increasingly hostile and aggressive. So thanks, you’re the first person to say to me, “Hey you seem stressed, you okay?” That’s not really what you said but that’s how I’m choosing to interpret it because I need someone to care about the panic attack I’m having.

They can live for months without food. If you crush one under your shoe you have to wash your floor and shoe off with disinfectant because if it was a gravid female the eggs will hatch anyway. They carry so many diseases. They are filthy. They like to eat your flour and crawl inside your toaster and eat the crumbs. They can survive a nuclear winter. I’m crying right now.

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I feel like there’s been a sea change in recent years

People know eyebrows are important… and they know they are supposed to do something with their eyebrows… but what is it? Pencil them in like giant harsh black turd tadpoles? Eh fuck it

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Anonymous said: Your eyes look disproportional. Too big.

Bitch my eyes are giant. I’m like a little baby deer and I’m fine with that, keep sipping that haterade with your mole eyes over there

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Scribbly shitty 2 am ballpoint pen self portrait. I need to go to bed and I need to stop going six months without drawing anything. I need to buy a sketchbook. I need to do a lot of things.

Scribbly shitty 2 am ballpoint pen self portrait. I need to go to bed and I need to stop going six months without drawing anything. I need to buy a sketchbook. I need to do a lot of things.

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Me looking at Tumblr

Me: *scroll scroll scroll*
Me: “What a sad little ass.”
Me: “Huh.”
Me: *scroll scroll scroll”

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Weird things are happening in IG MUA land today… 2 artists I follow whose work I usually feel kind of meh about posted flawless*** looks today and then like 12 that I’m usually like YOU’RE NOT EVEN REAL looked like shit today

1. Why didn’t you blend that better
2. Why didn’t YOU blend that better either
3. Overdraw your lips if you want but you… just need to be better. Camouflage your real lip line better, and stop completely obliterating your Cupid’s bow! Look at a picture of Divine and think about that the next time you do your lips, it looks like shit when you completely neglect your Cupid’s bow, especially because it’s obvious you’re not doing it intentionally.

I won’t comment any of this on your pictures because that would be mean but I WILL think it and I WILL complain about your face on Tumblr

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Nobody loves my new job as much as my dog

A couple weeks ago I came home covered in bacterial vaginosis discharge from some great Dane puppies, she was like, “Damn, Mom. You smell great. I love this new perfume.” Today I came home covered in dog blood and I don’t know which one made her more excited, the puppy dirty pussy juice, or the foot blood.