The failed “rape” scene from the movie Choke is still one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen
Tonight I had to work out at the Jewish camp. They have, taped all over the place, probably a hundred of them, signs on sheets of computer paper that say, “Are you ready for this?” And the outline of the shape of Israel… if Gaza and the West Bank were part of Israel.
A coworker told me that he thinks I look prettier with less makeup on
So I wrote down on a note pad, “[Name] thinks I look prettier with less makeup on,” tore it off, went back in the kitchen, and said, “Hey. I got you something for you to shove up your ass,” and handed him the piece of paper.
But God, Jesus, Adonai, Satan, Vishnu, anybody, please don’t let me get varicose veins from standing on a concrete floor for 8 hours a day
Not my vanity. Don’t hit me there. Please.
I was born at exactly the right time. I am a deeply emotional introvert who loves people but sucks at social situations, so The Great Mother gave me the Internet, a medium through which I have come to know some of the loveliest, kindest, most loyal friends I have ever had. I have people who have stayed up with me until 4 am listening to me talk about my problems, people who have supported me emotionally, financially, and psychologically when I was down and out, and people who understand my sense of humor and personality like few people in “real life” ever have.
One day when I’m mega rich I’m buying a giant mansion and a teleporter. I’m going to let every animal in the whole world live at my house and all my Internet friends will have their own private suite.
Girl I almost fucked from OkCupid with whom I am now friends on Facebook: stop getting so many pets! You don’t have the time to take care of them all and they keep dying for a reason! You’re fucking irresponsible and a shitty fur/feather/scale mama!
White gay men: I’m really happy for you that the zeitgeist seems to be going in favor of marriage equality in all 50 states, that homophobes are slowly but surely dying out or seeing the error of their ways, and you are finally beginning to get what you have been denied for so long, thanks to your own efforts and the efforts of allies (cough) and I’mma let you finish, but just because you suffer from one particular strain of oppression does not mean you can’t be sexist or racist! It would be nice if you were, even once, as vocal about combatting racism and sexism as your PoC and feminist friends have been about LGBT rights! Or, barring that, if you could resist the urge to be blatantly sexist and racist yourself! Just saying! Stopping inequality does not begin and end with making sure gay white men are treated the same as straight white men!
If you need me I will be cruising around town delivering drive-by bitch slaps to anyone who is full of shit!